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A/N: I already included this in the description, but in case anyone doesn't read that and does read this, this story is very, very much M. Both language and sex. And sexy language. If you don't want to read that, please turn away now. This story certainly isn't for everyone. And if at any point you think it starts getting weird, just wait a while — it'll probably get weirder. But for everyone still here that wants crack and sex and sexy crack, enjoy.
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A/N 1.5: Heavy Snape, Ron, Ginny, and Mrs Weasley bashing. It's in the description above, I'm repeating it here, if you don't like that then leave now, just don't flame in the comments. You have been fairly warned.
A/N 2: Completely written. 57,910 total words before final editing, excluding A/N's, although FF. net always reads high on the word count, so it'll probably end up over 60k, maybe 65k on here. Chapters are generally 1400-2600 words long, and 30 chapters in total. New chapters going up every Monday and Thursday.
A/N 3: And finally before I let you get on with it, this is hands down the supreme, absolute, worst thing I have ever written. Sorry, not sorry. To quote Fitz from a totally different universe — 'Whot. The Hell?!' Enjoy!
The inferno in the goblet turned red yet again, before vomiting out a fourth piece of parchment.
Catching it on its way down, Dumbles read it, leaving the Hall in great suspense as to what could have possibly happened. But after a second that stretched on forever, the Hogwarts Headmaster shouted out:
'Harry Potter!'
Then as if he couldn't believe it himself, Dumbles looked back down at the slip, before suddenly exclaiming, 'Hey, wait a minute — this doesn't say 'Hogwarts'. This says 'Hagworts' — that's not a real school!'
Harry, who'd been in the process of sitting there completely frozen in shock at being chosen for a tournament he hadn't entered himself into, abandoned that in favor of looking up at Dumbles with everyone else, and staring at him in complete, total, and utter befuddlement.
Dumbles looked back up at the students, and stuttered out, 'Well…uh…Harry…uh…if you'll…uh…come into the…uh…other room with me, we'll…uh…try to figure this out.'
Quickly realizing that Harry wasn't walking anywhere without literally being pulled there, and not wanting him to have to go anywhere alone at the moment anyway, Hermione quickly stood up, and pulled Harry up with her. Then she drug him with her up to the staff table, and into the side room with Dumbles, McG, Snape, Mad-Eye, Karka, Maxime, Bagyman, and Señor Crouchy.
'Excuse me, everyone,' boomed Dumbles' voice in the almost deathly quiet room as soon as the door had loudly banged shut behind them. 'In a very strange turn of events, Mr Potter here's name has also come out of the goblet, from a school that doesn't even exist. Harry, Hermione, please wait over there with the Champions while we try to sort out what this means, and how we must proceed.'
As Harry and Hermione walked over to where the Champions were gathered, where Fleur immediately threw her arms around both of them in an extremely tight hug, whispering, 'Oh, you poor zing! 'ow could zis 'ave 'appened!?', Dumbles and the rest of the adults gathered together on the other side of the room to discuss what next.
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Almost immediately, Snape, eyes blazing with malice and hatred, vociferated, 'Expel the mother-effer! He's flaunted the rules yet again! Do what you should have done every year since he first came here ignoring the school's rules like he ignores my teaching.'
'What teaching?' muttered Professor McG to herself under her breath, but otherwise everyone ignored the bitter snake who was entirely incapable of taking responsibility for his own mistakes leading to both Lily marrying James instead of him, and then getting Lily killed by Voldypants.
'This was clearly very dark magic, done by someone very powerful on Voldypants' orders, to attempt to kill Harry Potter without actually having to kill him themselves,' said Dumbles. 'Because I'm sure we can all agree that no student, and especially not an underage one, could not only have crossed all three of our age lines, but also tricked the sacred goblet into believing 'Hagworts' is actually a school of witchcraft and wizardry.'
There were fervent nods by both of the other headmasters.
'So the question is, what do we do now to best protect Harry Potter? And what options do we have, as the goblet is a magically binding contract for those who enter and their names come out,' Dumbles continued on.
'What would 'appen if 'e didn't compete?' asked Madam Maxime.
Dumbles turned to Señor Crouchy to answer that.
'He would lose his magic, like anyone else who's name came out of the goblet,' answered Señor Crouchy. 'We really have no choice but to make him compete, though obviously some concessions should be made to keep him alive in a task he is ill-equipped for. I mean, they would all be ill-prepared if we truly believed they weren't going to find out the tasks ahead of time, but Mr Potter doubly so.'
'But how do we keep him alive?' sobbed Professor McG to no one in particular.
'What options do we have available then, if he must compete?' growled Karka.
'Who is that girl with him?' asked Ludicrous Bagyman far too cheerfully for the somber mood the others were trying to facilitate.
'Hermione Granger, brightest witch of the age, fellow fourth year student, and clearly, to everyone except the two of them and the matriarch and youngest two children of the Weasley clan, Harry's soulmate,' answered Mad-Eye gruffly.
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'Well, I know this is kind of the opposite direction we were trying to go here, but could we let them compete together, if she was willing to? Two heads are better than one, after all, unless you're talking about dragons,' said Ludicrous Bagyman.
'I know eet iz not popular around 'ere, but zere are spellz to increase a witch or wizard's magical strength,' offered Maxime. 'Perhaps eet iz possible to make an exception 'ere?'
'I think those are both great ideas,' replied Dumbles. 'But as that will give him a substantial advantage over the other Champions, and he didn't enter to compete to begin with, I would add the recommendation that he be excluded from the possibility of winning, if that is possible, Señor Crouchy. He simply competes so as not to lose his magic, but is not scored or eligible to win.'
'And if he reaches the cup first?' asked Karka before Señor Crouchy could answer.
'Excluding him from winning should be fine, but to address that, I believe it would be best to still score him, but give him all zeros so as to keep him from entering the maze for as long as possible according to the rules, and then instruct him to just enter the maze and not go anywhere, until one of the three Champions gets to the cup,' answered Señor Crouchy.
Everyone nodded in agreement, except Snape, who was too busy gnashing his teeth and plotting how to make Harry's life even more of a living hell than he already did, and oddly enough, Mad-Eye, who was lurking in a shadowy corner scowling, but no one noticed this. And Snape gnashing his teeth over Harry was such a normal occurrence that none of them thought twice about it.
~HP~
Meanwhile, across the room, Fleur had sat down in one of the conveniently available cushy armchairs in front of the fire, pulling Harry down into her lap with her.
She also pulled Hermione down into Harry's lap, facing Harry. Both of them were peppering kisses all along Harry's neck, and Fleur's long arms were wrapped around both of them, holding Hermione's chest firmly flattened against Harry's chest and Harry's back firmly flattened against her chest, all in a noble gesture to reassure him that they were all there for him, no matter what happened.
Surrounded by perky boobs on both sides, Harry was quite relaxed and calm about his future by the time the adults broke up their little pow-wow, and walked back over to the students.
'Unfortunately, due to the magical contract of the Goblet, Harry is bound to compete in the tournament, or else he will lose his magic,' began Dumbles without preamble. 'However, before anyone gets all in a tizzy, we believe we have come up with a few altercations that will make this ordeal easier for Harry, while maintaining the integrity of the tournament and the three school champions.
'First off, there are certain magical spells that can increase a person's magical power, that while not teaching them any new spells, will make the spells they already know and learn during the upcoming months, several years more powerful than they currently are.
'Secondly, should Miss Hermione Granger here be willing to, we are prepared to allow her to join with Mister Potter in the tasks, as with the exception of dragons and other fantastically dangerous beasts, two heads are almost always better than one. And should Miss Granger consent to this, she also would receive an identical boost in her magical power.
'Thirdly, to avoid any cries of foul play by having a pair of magically enhanced contestants in the tournament, and to reduce the stress of the tournament on Mister Potter — and presumably Miss Granger — as much as possible, Team Potter will not be eligible to win the Triwizard Cup, or the thousand galleon grand prize. Scores of zero will still be given during the first two tasks, simply for reasons pertaining to the third task we won't tell you about now. Spoilers.
'And finally, since this tournament is legally restricted to of-age witches and wizards this time by the British Ministry, Harry has already been, and Hermione will be immediately should she accept, emancipated, and the magical power increase from the aforementioned spell will forcibly expel the Ministry's Traces from their bodies.
'Does this sound reasonable to all parties involved?'
'Anything to help the Boy-Who-Lived survive again,' said Krum, broodingly.
'Hogwarts students always stick together, so if this is Harry's best shot, then absolutely,' added Diggory.
'Of course! Zis iz 'Arry Potter we're talking about!' cried Fleur. 'And ze three of us should be able to 'elp 'im as well!'
'Anything to help Harry,' finished Hermione, burrowing into Harry's chest even more deeply.
'Then it is settled,' said Dumbles. 'Madam Maxime assures me that Fleur knows how to perform a magical power enhancement charm, so before we leave the three of them up to it, Señor Crouchy has a few instructions to give about the tournament.'
'Of course, Dumbles,' replied Señor Crouchy. 'The first task will occur at eleven on November the twenty-fourth, in front of the whole school. And as these are highly dangerous tasks that could easily result in the loss of limbs, if not even life, and you will be required to perform them in front of the entire school, adding ridicule and embarrassment to the list of dangers, we will not be telling you anything about the first task until right before you have to do it.
'Additionally, like always, the champions are not permitted to ask for or accept help of any kind from their teachers to complete the tasks in the tournament, which will entirely be on a honor system, and we won't be checking with any teachers to make sure you aren't working with them. And certainly don't go snooping around the edge of the Forbidden Forest the few days before the first task.'
Turning to Dumbles, he finished, 'I believe that is about it, Albus, and anything I've forgotten must not be too important or I wouldn't have forgotten it.'
'Very good,' replied Dumbles cheerfully. 'Now if all the adults would like to come back to my office to get plastered, and Diggory and Krum return to their lodgings where I'm sure their classmates will have illicitly obtained copious amounts of beverage to celebrate their being selected, we will leave Harry and Hermione in the capable hands of Miss Fleur to spiffy up the fourth champions' magic.'
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